clicking

I am driving to the office when a rock classic comes on the radio. It feels good. It calms my nerves. I want to listen to more. I want it louder. I park and look for my headphones in my backpack. There are none. I think I will be ok since I don't feel that bad at that moment.

I get to the auditorium. It is big. Maybe can seat 1,000 people. Up to another 5,000 could be watching online. I do a final walk through with the presenter and I am nervous but as we walk through the talking points I start to calm down. I think I will be ok. I am thinking about it as a sports event and how I could block everything out and focus then.

It is our turn to go to the stage and set up. I set up and walk through the presentation. I get through it. It is then show time and the presenter starts talking and I start clicking and my right hand starts shaking. In the middle of the presentation I cannot control my hand, it is shaking so violently. I tap the screen as a work around but that looks clumsy and some of the things I need to tap are so small that my finger, driven by my shaking hand, cannot hit correctly. So back to the mouse. I got the click. Then my hand releases and shakes more. I think I will not be able to continue. But I don't panic. And in the final part of the presentation my hand calms down and I can click normally.

I am not sure if this is stress or nerves or stage freight. I don't feel ashamed like I would have 20 years ago. I mostly feel confused about why the shaking is so bad. I tell myself maybe it is time to take up some meditation.