Curiosity and Empathy

About three years ago a co-worker asked me to give a talk with him on our experience as foreigners working in China. The talk was delayed for various reasons including indifference until last week. During the delays it was never far from my mind about the message I wanted to share. Certainly not the CCTV happy foreigner. Did I dare share the unvarnished brutal truth as ugly as it might be? No, can't do that. For one, it's not that ugly even if there has been moments that felt that way. Second, as the minority there is a bit Stockholm's syndrome and I am careful not to overstep and put the majority on the defensive.

So, the 10-minute talk I gave was down the middle.  I shared stories of being excluded when a meeting organizer fully capable of speaking English refused to do so. I shared how I grew up in a diverse town and how the drew parallels on how the majority class in my hometown viewed minorities with how we are viewed in China. I shared how I feel less of a person here and how I exclude myself from activities where I'm the only foreigner. I shared stories of how the organization's attitude towards foreigners has changed over the years.

I prepared my slides on a Friday afternoon. That night I had a small "p" panic attack, not wanting to present. Not because of my normal stage fright but because of the content - I really didn't want to have this conversation.

The talk was to an audience of about 400 of the most senior people in our organization, of which maybe 15 are foreigners (not born in China). Before the large audiance talk, I did two small audience talks. One to my eight direct reports and a separate one to my five peers and manager. I felt good after the sharing with directs, they asked questions and laughed in the right places. For my peers and manager the feedback was mostly about word choice on my slides. I felt defeated and depressed for the rest of the day. For the entire weekend actually. For the actual talk, I over prepared as I normally do for public speaking. I wanted to be an engaging speaking, smiling, confident, funny, and poignant. I didn't quite pull it off. Nearly everyone joined online and I spoke to a mostly empty room. My hands were not steady holding the mic and the clicker. I did hit my talking points. It wasn't a disaster of a performance. It was "ok".

There was no feedback in meeting chat group about my points which left me feeling empty. There was some feedback for the next speaker that we can have more meetings in English. We shared some survey results. What struck me was the verbatims that essentially said "learn some Chinese".

What I took away from this is that I don't belong. But I already knew that. Maybe I was hoping to be wrong. Instead, it was underlined. Somewhere, there is a "life coach" telling me not to be a victim, to think positive and become the hero of my story. Life coach, you're fired.

I did learn something positive that I can apply. When speaking with someone who maybe doesn't fit, show curiosity and empathy. Don't rush to "fix". Ask them about their challenges and experiences. Put yourself in their shoes.