Family visit to Xiangyang

Amanda awakes from her sleep and looks around. Her gaze settles on me. She smiles. I pull her close. She gaggles. I kiss/pluck her hands which she baby laughs at. I tilt her back and forward. I make punching motions with her little arms. She's about as happy as can be. But it doesn't last, she's still tired. Her face begins to crack and then a cry comes forth. I get up from the bed, holding her in my arms and walk around the room. She settles. But it doesn't last. More crying. Sabrina normally comforts her, but Sabrina is out walking Kobe who's on a smell fest. My worry about Amanda crying isn't putting her to sleep - that will come - but that Sabrina's father will feel compelled to help. And sure enough, moments later, he's at the bedroom door, turning on the light and motioning for me to hand Amanda over. I motion him away. He leaves. I walk Amanda around some more. She's calmer. Saving strength for the next cry which is loud and sustained. The father comes back to the room. I give up and hand Amanda over. I text Sabrina that I want to leave and in the moment I was ready too. But Amanda is still crying. I pace. Then Sabrina is back and all is calm.

Later, I tell Sabrina that I know her dad is just trying to help and that it's a culmination of staying with them for a week. That I feel I have no control of things. It's not my house. Not my shower. Not my kitchen. Not my bed. We eat noodles for breakfast, rice and meat I ignore for lunch, leftovers for dinner. Well, leftovers undersells it. When I was a child, if I didn't want what was for dinner my dad would say "see you at breakfast". Sabrina's dad, who does all the cooking, just serves whatever isn't eaten at the previous meal at the next meal. A "see this dish at your next meal". Sabrina says her dad was trying to help with Amanda because her mom, who is not really well, began crying when Amanda cried. So, I feel like a heel.

We drove to Xiangyang from Beijing last weekend and will return tomorrow. It's the first time Sabrina's parents, uncle, and cousin have seen Amanda. They all say she looks like me. The apartment complex where Sabrina's parents live is really nice. Seven 30 story buildings with plenty of greenery to walk around. Last December when we last visited, we noticed everything was still green and assumed the plants were fake. Really good fakes. Not too well groomed, not too plastic feeling. Then when walking Kobe this week a fake orange fell from a fake tree. I picked up the orange. Dug my nail into the skin. It wasn't fake. Ok, so there were some real trees mixed in with the fake grass and bushes. The next morning the gardener was trimming the fake grass.

And that's kind of how I feel here.