Father's Day 2016

I wake up, alone, and in a light sweat. I debate getting up and turning the AC on so I can sleep another hour. I check my phone. 7am. I slept through the night for the second night in a row after three weeks of insomnia. I get up and wash out my eyes which are recovering from an infection. I feel my sore throat is coming back. If 70 is the new 50 then it’s really going to suck to turn 70.

I walk by the girls room. Elisa is waking up. Lydia is sound asleep. I go downstairs and make myself some instant coffee. I am not hungry. Yet. Elisa follows me downstairs with her iPad. I ask her if she wants eggs and she says yes. She devours two scrambled.

I take a shower washing away the sweat. I get dressed feeling sagging having not worked out in a few days. I receive two weixin messages from former lovers wishing me a happy father's day.

I talk Elisa into going with me for morning coffee. She rides her bicycle. Lydia continues to sleep. Aidan is with his mom at some self organizing, self glamorization, wakeboarding competition. I sit on the deck at the coffee shop. The deck overlooks a parking lot where Elisa is riding her bike. Elisa comes up and sits next to me. I want to take a picture of us together and when I open the camera it shows a empty chair. The chair strikes me. This is Father’s day. Not to be the empty chair. To be there for my kids whether it be small things or big things. To be connected with them. But I am also feeling my mortality these days and know that one day I will leave them an empty chair and memories. But that’s not all I will leave them. I will leave myself built into their unique souls. My values of love and humility, of kindness and strength, of principals and an open mind.

I flip the camera to selfie mode and there is my soon to be eight year old making me proud and happy.

Being a dad in Beijing. Bring it on.