Last of My Kind

There are moments and there are days and then weeks when I feel I'm the last of my kind. Like the Jason Isbell song Last of My Kind but played out with my own harmonies.

It's hard to describe what makes me feel this way and get the feeling across. Sometimes it just the raw feeling of isolation. Feeling isolated when it's Friday night and I'm too old to hang out at the new hip place in town full of those young beautiful people. Feeling isolated when it's Friday night and I'm too tired to go out anyway. Feeling the last of my kind when a photo memory shows a Friday night from five years ago. Music, a toast, maybe a dance. Also, a friend who no longer calls China home. They all leave after a while. Except for me.

I feel the isolated when I'm the only foreigner in a group of 150 at work. Feeling isolated when I walk into a meeting and the language switches from vibrant Chinese to English. Feeling isolated when I avoid meetings so people don't need to be polite to me and speak English. Feeling the last of my kind when I am invariably asked "how is my Chinese?" Feeling the last of my kind when I'm talking about the customer experience of the product we are building, and my coworkers describe it in deep model terms.

I feel isolated in the days of Covid when foreigners cannot leave the country and expect to return. I feel isolated when my children are denied entrance to a restaurant because they are foreigners. I feel isolated when I have to stop going out with one of my few remaining friends because he refuses to use the contact tracing app required to enter public places. I feel the last of my kind when the US embassy recommends foreigners leave China.

I feel isolated when my mind drifts to memories of the past. Feel isolated when I share a story with one of my kids or Sabrina and it lands without impact or when I'm spoken over. I feel the last of my kind when I blog. A blog I started for my parents who are no longer around.

I write this and I'm wistful for Isbell's song. The texture of his lyrics. It's not my experiences but it captures my feeling. And this makes me feel connected. For a moment. And that feels good.