Laugh

I am sitting in Starbucks noticing my hands are shaking. I wonder when that started. I wonder why that started. My mind flies back in time. Back to the last time I laughed. I mean an actual uncontrolled laugh. Not a controlled, "I can see how that could be funny" laugh. It was 14 years ago. I was in a u-haul truck with my brother moving from my first life to my purgatory life. My other friend was at my soon to be old home waiting for me. He needed to use the restroom but could not get in until we got there and we were a good 10 minutes away. I could just see him hop side to side waiting for us trying to defer the urgency so that it didn't become an urgent situation. And I lost it. Just busted up without a hint of control. For a second anyway.

And now here I am so far from that moment. My hands old and dry and shaking. Coffee in the morning being the highlight of the day. Anger coming in waves where the swells are depression. I try to pull myself out if it. Have I been in this funk for 14 years or am I just feeling it now. I tell myself to think positive. Fuck that is my next thought.

Coffee is halfway gone and my hands are finally calm. I get up and leave. The morning sun angles itself into my eyes and I blink them shut, annoyed. Then I slowly raise my eyes and they adjust to the sun. Then I feel the warmth of the sun on my check. It is spring, finally spring, I think, as I step into the day.