Outside Looking in

The Outsider sat on the deck and watched the happy people walk past. When he was five he was told to go play with the boys and he cried and ran to his mother. When he was eight he was told to be more aggressive. When he was 10 he was told he had a facial tick that needed physical therapy. When he was 12 he was told he should have more friends. When he was 15 he was told he should not fall in love too early. When he was 18 he was asked by his mom if he was on drugs. When he was 22 it was suggested he be more outgoing. When he was 24 he was told to smile more. When he was 28 he was asked what was wrong with him, why didnt he say hi. When he was 32 he was told he was an introvert. When he was 35 he was told to practice his presentation skills. When he was 38 he was told to tell more jokes. When he was 40 he was told to eat lunch with people more often. At first the Outsider did not know he was different than others. At five he knew the other boys did not like to play with him. At eight he realized he wasnt as aggressive as other boys; he tried but he could never reach their level. At 10 he was hoping physical therapy would fix his tick and he wouldnt feel so self conscious about it but he found out all the therapist wanted to do was play silly games involving dolls. At 12 he had a best friend and was happy. At 15 he was getting laid every day and was, well, really happy. By the time he was 18 he had stopped taking drugs. At 22 he was as lonely as lonely is. At 24 he was deliriously happy but no one could tell. At 28 he had no idea what social order was. At 32 he was starting realize the depth of his pain. At 35 he was given an award for a presentation. At 38 his humor was developed and adult for those who would to listen. At 40 all he wanted to do was run. The Outsider was born without an inner volume control. This was manifested in observable physical attributes like his hearing. He could hear noises from far away and at low volume. This was a benefit and a curse, it was hard for him to find quiet. When he spoke few could hear him, his volume was way too low. Even though he knew it was low he could do nothing substantial about it, he always fell back into his normal speaking voice. The non physical volume control is that inner social volume control which tells you how sharp a comment should be or how light one should be. This meant his words could sound harsh when he was trying to be light or that he would take light messages from others in a harsh way. After years of trying he only learned tricks to mask his lack of volume control, but never the ability to adjust it. One of the great things about getting older is you care less about what others think. Sure, it gets tiring and frustrating to receive constant messages that you should be someone different but at 40 The Outsider pretty much knew who he was. And damn them all if they couldnt accept him as such. The Son watched The Man tie his shoes, put on his backpack, and go to work. The Son very much wanted to be like The Man. One day The Son was told he was going to school and was given a back pack of his own. The Son was so excited. He went to school and while all the other little boys and girls screamed for their mommies he gleefully played. He was so excited to be at school, with his own little backpack, and a bunch of new friends to play with. By 11am that first day he was exhausted and needed to take a nap. He asked for The Mom but she was not around. He cried and eventually slept. He awoke, looking for The Mom but she was not there. He felt abandoned. How could The Mom abandon him. Didnt she want to be with him as much as he with her. The next day The Son refused to go to school. The Mom said she would talk with the teacher. The Son said ok and brave boy that he was he faced it. That second day was worse from the first, he started missing The Mom from the get go and never got over it. The teacher would not let him play the way he wanted to. Said he was too short for the slide even though he wasnt. By the time he got home he was emotionally exhausted. The next day The Son refused to go to school again. The Mom said she would buy him candy. He still refused. Then The Mom said she would wait just outside the door. The Son reluctantly said ok and off to school they went. The Mom waited outside for a couple of minutes but then had to go to her own job. After 20 minutes of play, The Son ran outside looking for her and left broken hearted. The next day The Son refused and was carried to school. He was mad and screaming even though most of the other boys had gotten past this stage. The Son felt he would never get over it. He never ever, never ever, wanted to go to school again. The Outsider is an outsider in everything that he does. He compensates. He never fits in. Its not like being around other outsiders helps, he feels more outside. Hes broken in this way. But with the passage of time he can see this breakage is part of him. A part of him to accept, a part of him that didnt turn out the same as all the other kids. The Son will get over his fear of school, the Outsider will not get over his lack of volume control. He will not get over the way that he is, its his essence and what makes him special, even if no one understands it but him.