Softening

I wake up and my mouth is dry and it takes me a moment to realize where I am. I am in a hotel, sleeping in a twin bed. Sleeping alone although not alone in the room. I get up and pee and brush my teeth. I slip on my running shorts, shoes, and brush deodorant on under my night shirt. Out the door of the hotel room I go. I walk on the side of the lobby the furthest from the reception desk since technically I am an uninvited guest. I am out into the morning sun as I force my legs to start a slight jog. The air is brisk with a hint of warmth.

I am along the river now and picking up my pace. Still feeling heavy but not as labored as I was. I pass an old couple out for a walk and I think about my parents and about how my father now walks alone. As I run alone. I pass a father and a son out running in what looks like an effort to get the overweight son to lose weight. I feel the pain in my left food and worry that it might not go away anytime soon. I feel the pain in my heart and worry that it's gone too hard. I keep running because this is what I know how to do. This is how I know how to be.

I make my five miles and sneak my way back into the hotel room. The room is now empty. I make instant coffee, undress, and take a shower. I feel sad and heavy hearted and I think about why I feel that way and then I tell myself not to think about why I feel that way, just feel it. And then I think that I've been feeling this way too much lately. With good reason, I think, and they cycle repeats. I see ugly people all around me. Cutting in front of me at the market, telling me what is wrong with me, ignoring me, smoking cigarettes at the table next to me. They do not know they are ugly people. But I do. And it makes me an ugly person too. I think about her and all the pain and my heart is cold and hard.

I get dressed and head out of the hotel room and onto the hotel grounds which is kind of like a park. There are kids playing in a playground. My kids. I breathe. I feel the warm sun on my face, the coldness of the morning finally vanquished. Something lifts as if it was a vapor. Something that was so heavy, that made me feel so heavy, is now lifting as if it had no power over me. I stretch into a yoga pose and let the sounds of my children playing wash over me.

In that instant my heart softened and I wasn't and ugly person. And it is that feeling that I hand on to. It's what gets me through the in between.
[audio http://vinceallio.com/doodles/audio/Softening.mp3 ]