The connected heart

I am maybe 10 years old, in my childhood home, and bored. It was the age of board games and toys that didn't connect to the internet. Our family was lucky enough to have an entire closet full of games and toys, yet I was bored. Bored to death. Not uncommon for a 10 year old in those days. I remember the house feeling empty. Maybe my older siblings were out and my younger sibling was out with them. My dad wasn't home, that I recall for sure. In my boredom I was looking for my mom which wasn't in general the wisest thing to do when bored. I had been met with "how could you be bored, you have a room full of games" which to her seemed like a luxury. I'm sure it was a luxury to her, compared with her childhood. In any case, I didn't find her in the kitchen or the living room so I walked up the few steps into her bedroom. She was there. Something seemed "off". I'm not sure what it was. I asked something like "mom, are you ok?" to which she smiled that "I'm not ok" smile to which I said "mom, it will be ok" or something like that. My memory of the specifics are not real clear, truth be told. What was clear was she was in a down mood and I caught her in it and that somehow just by being in that moment with her I provided some relief. I then retreated down the stairs. Later that day I remember her thanking me. She would mention this event to others over the years as some kind of evidence that my heart was a caring one. Emotionally, it was about as vulnerable as my mom and I were ever to each other which is to say we were not generally very vulnerable with each other. My adult life and relationships with adult women have followed a similar vein, sans one, who is no longer with us.

A week ago or so I was feeling down. Really down. December tends to do this to me and it hasn't helped since I've moved to Beijing. Beijing is cold and dark which is how I was feeling. I was in a rut and in patterns that were not healthy for me either physically or emotionally. I felt down, down, down. My phone rings. It is Lydia. She says "dad, you didn't call tonight" and I say I thought it was too late. She said that she's used to me calling when I'm not home. I felt connected again. I felt that my Lydia, at nine, has a good heart. Actually, all my kids do, and I could not ask for anything more.

A couple of days later I am not as down as I was but I am still pretty down. Aidan, Lydia, and Elisa are with me and we are walking to lunch. Lydia normally walks with Aidan in these situations leaving me to take care of Elisa but on this day Lydia walk by my side, holding hands. Giving support. Suddenly her dad was comfortable and content.

December is over now and I do not know what 2014 will bring. My closing thought was that 2013 was purgatory for me where my life stalled and I didn't know what direction it will go in. Five days into 2014 I feel positive, content, and healthy. And that Lydia, without really knowing it, helped me a ton. That the connected heart heals.