Tuesdays

I don't eat on Tuesdays. Let me explain. Two months ago my doctor said I was obese. I wasn't quite sure what this meant outside of being fat which I already knew I was. He explained to me, that at my age, obesity can lead to chronic health problems. Like the farts, I'm thinking. He reads my mind, says, no like diabetes. Heart disease. I think diabetes and think about giving myself an insulin shot and that scares me. So when I get home, I google obesity. It says 100 pounds over weight. I'm 5'7", 275, so I think I need to get down to 175. I call the doc and ask if 175 would be ok. He says, yes of course, but…but I hang up on him before he can finish. Probably wants me to go on some type of diet. But I've figured it out, pretty much. I need to lose 100 pounds, or about 35% of my current body weight. Each day of the week I consume, on average, 1/7 or 15% of my weekly calories. So, there, skip a day and I lost the weight. Ok, I know what you are thinking, 15% is a long ways from 35%. I had the same thought at first. But then, I figured, once I lost the first 25 pounds I would only have 75 more to go. Then all of a sudden the 35% is down to 25%. See where I'm going with this? Well, I didn't work out all the details but I figure I can lose those 100 pounds easy enough by skipping Tuesdays. Convinced? Ok, ok. I understand, you must think I am crazy. Why Tuesdays? How about Mondays or Sundays? Well, Monday's just suck because it's the beginning of a work week and if you can't scarf down a hamburger or three then you are bound to march into your boss's office and split his head open with a baseball bat. Or a three hole punch. Sometimes one has to improvise. But I digress. Sundays are also out because you are at the in-laws and while you hate the honey baked ham with that stupid pineapple on top, you smile and grin because you want to get some that night. Not that it will help you get some, but if you skip this meal then you will for sure not get any. Wednesdays, well this is personal. There is a girl I see for lunch from time to time and that time is always a Wednesdays. My wife doesn't know about this girl and this girl doesn't know about my wife but I'm sure I also don't know about her husband either. This occasional Wednesday includes a meal and I am not going to pass it up. Thursdays were a candidate. I meet my father at the rest home for breakfast. Well, he's already there so it's not like we really meet there. He's been living there for six years, ever since Mom died and there was no one left to take care of him. Anyway, he's getting more and more senile and I think I could get away with just sipping coffee and nodding but what kind of son would that make me? Not that by eating his scrambled eggs I am a good son, but he seems to like it as he tells me about coming home from the war and how no one knew his name except for Mom. Friday's is boys night out, so that's an obvious day I have to eat. Truth be told there hasn't been a boys night in a while and it often consist of me with a papa johns pizza in front of the tv watching the amazing race. But for the off chance there is a boys night, I am ready. This leaves Saturdays and I don't have to tell you why I don't skip this day, do I? Because of that foul ham, you fool. I need to have something I like. And there it is. I skip Tuesdays.