I wake up at 8am and walk a half mile to Starbucks where I order an Americano. I prefer a brewed coffee but I don’t want them to make a pot just for me and if they already have made it could be stale. Negotiation. My card doesn’t work which annoys me but not as much as it used to. Progress. I sit down with my Americano and text the kids saying that I will see them for lunch but that I won’t do the 10am basketball. It is father's day, 2017. Acceptance
Father’s day this year fell on the week that the kids were with Yang and in my normal wo is me mode I wasn’t going to say anything. But the kids and overtly Elisa and Lydia were looking forward to father’s day with Elisa telling me two weeks ago that she already had my present and would I like to know what it was. So I got on a mobike and met them at an American style mall and we had lunch at an Italian restaurant. I ate a lot. The manager stopped by and Yang knew him from back when we used to go to the same restaurant in another location; pre-Elisa days. I had no idea who he was. I shook his hand, one of those weird man shakes. Lydia found it funny and weird and I’m reminded of my dad. We are going into the back door JCPenny at Tanforan mall.  A man my dad knows is loading a van or something and they exchange greetings. But in what would now be called bro man speak with a couple vulgarities mixed in. I was like, wo, what is that. Never knew my dad had a personality.  Door opened. I don’t think I ever saw that kind of personality from him pop out again. In fact it is hard for me to think of times where he seemed to be enjoying himself. No music. Laughter? Maybe watching The Newlywed Game on TV but even then I cannot say I detected enjoyment or joy. Joy was measured by the lack and negative emotions. Maybe that was as good as it got for him. Represent.
I spent the weekend trying to organize the clutter of my apartment. A lot of the clutter is from the kids. Drawings. Leaving books and small toys around. I found a drawing from last year’s father’s day that Lydia made but did not quite complete. It showed her smiling, looking into my eyes, and giving me a gift and saying “I love you” under the title “imagined”. Below that she had another picture where she is handing a gift but looking away and saying “here”. The title below is “actual”. Been there.
After lunch and a frappachino the kids and Yang go to a movie. I hug Lydia which isn’t something I do enough of. I hug Aidan who I also don’t hug much now that he is 14. Elisa is grabbing on my arm wanting her hug. They turn to go inside and then Aidan looks back. “Tell your dad happy father’s day” he says. I will. Generations.
I walk back home. It takes me about an hour but I have nothing else to do. I listen to podcasts and music which I enjoy even if no one can tell.