Gratitude is the new Zen and I find my gratitude with a bit of spite.

I am feeling grateful to be picking up Elisa after school which I only get to do maybe twice a semester. I have an afternoon of fun planned. Video game arcade, dairy queen ice cream, and Chinese “hamburgers” for dinner. A am grateful for the anticipation of joy and it did turn out to be a great father and daughter afternoon. But as I wait I am also spiteful. The reason I needed to pick up Elisa was because her mom did not give the Ayi (nanny) her scheduled day off over the weekend so I needed to take a half day off my work to pick up Elisa. The mom didn’t do it because she wanted to go snowboarding for the weekend leaving two of her three kids behind. Last I checked the mountains are opened all week and the mom doesn’t really work during the week. So, how’s that for spite?

The dichotomy comes up often in my life. It’s like I can’t just shut down the negative and let the gratitude sink in. And I am naturally suspicious of happy people anyway. Or even that they can exist in real life. Thanks dad.

On Easter morning, I walk across my complex’s open area and children are gathering for an Easter egg hunt.  It is a beautiful scene. Moms, some dads, and kids eagerly milling about with baskets. But my kids are not there. Easter this week fell on the week their mom has them so I exit my complex and grab a mobikes. Mobikes are part of the wonderful bike sharing scene that has popped up in Beijing over the past six months. Grab a bike almost anywhere, leave it wherever you want, all for a nominal fee. I do the 25 minutes ride to the restaurant near the kids other home listening to music and feeling alive. Grateful even.

I sit for breakfast and order. Lydia wants to share a dish with me. I am grateful for that. I bring See’s candy’s eggs like my mom used to give us kids and I explain to my kids why I did this. I am grateful that I thought to get the eggs during my trip to the US in March.  Lydia asks where my girlfriend is and I’m grateful she cared enough to ask. Aidan is lost in his phone and Elisa is warm but focused on playing with her friend. Me, four and a half years after striking out on my own is still uncomfortable in these family reunions.

We do a little easter egg hunt of our own after breakfast. It is a bit of a family tradition and one of my last favorite in tack family memories. I think the elder kids are now too old for it but they attack the hunt with gusto but Elisa is more focused and scores the most candy.

I mobike back home. My girlfriend sits on the coach and is on her phone. She asks if I want to watch an episode of the TV show we’ve been watching together. I say not yet, that I need to relax. Which sounds weird. I stream the NBA playoffs in English on my laptop which is another new thing I am grateful for this year. After about a half hour I am relaxed enough to watch that TV episode.

So gratitude and spite are intertwined siblings.