Purgatory

It is Saturday afternoon and I'm walking unremarkably alone to a supermarket that specializes in foreign goods. A voice from in front of me gets past my headphones "Vince..Vince..". I look up and it's an old colleague. He looks fit and strong and energetic. We catch up. Still working at the same place, I say. At a startup, he says. We exchange some small talk and take a selfie. I smile and try to stand tall. I'm having a very inward day.

I'm in this place where I need to be home every night to take care of a child. I'm in this place where my work is sometimes satisfying but mostly not fulfilling. I'm in this place where my body feels like it's getting weaker. I'm in this place where my mind isn't as sharp. I can't focus enough to read. I'm worn down from work most days and then worn down emotionally most nights. Sleep is a reprieve except for those middle of the night calls when I need to sit bedside.

I am planning for my retirement and thinking about things I will do when I retire. Write the software I want to write. Write a pop media blog covering my favorite TV shows. Learn Chinese. Finally. I'm not sure when I can retire. In theory, because of Chinese law I need to retire by 60 which gives me four years to go.  I would like to retire before then. Like now. But three kids to get to college and through college.

My ex-wife lives one floor down from me and on one hand has been remarkable in taking care of the kids, especially the one having difficulty. On the other hand, she is out most nights which means I'm on duty to watch over. And I can't stand being in my old apartment. Many nights it feels like more than I can bear. But I do. My current wife recently quit her job and is content spending most of her time in voice acting rooms and practicing her signing. I would like to go out occasionally. I met my longest tenured Beijing based American friend last Saturday for pizza and beer. All the others have left. And this one spoke to me for three hours. I'm sure I must have said something, but I can't recall what. I felt so alone afterwards.

So I'm in purgatory. Not sure when it ends. At times, I just want to run away. But St. Peter would be there. Maybe he'd call out "Vince..Vince" and we'd take a selfie.