The Forgiveness Myth

It’s the middle of January and my sixth night of staying at my ex’s apartment. But it’s not that kind of story. Yang is not there. Aidan is not there. Elisa is not there. They are on a six night vacation to Japan. Lydia is with me. The nanny is with me. The kids grandma who lives in the same complex slides through the unlocked door twice a day disrupting the household like Kramer from Seinfeld. I’m staying with Lydia because she could not make the trip. But this story is not about that. This story is about the myth of forgiveness. It’s just my view and I’m sure my perspective is messed up but it’s my perspective.

So on this sixth night I am coming out of my skin wanting to be home. Everything about the house sans Lydia annoys me. There still are no fucking towels in the bathroom. The coach is as comfortable as a hot dog shaped waterbed. I often have little control over the food at meals. The dining room table chairs don’t fit the dining room table. It just annoys the crap out of me. Even as these petty things annoy me, I realize that its not about these petty things but about my life turned upside down seven years ago when my marriage to Yang fell apart. It made those annoyances nuclear. And I recognized that any time I had to spend at that apartment over the past seven years I left feeling distraught. That anytime I had to work with Yang on anything of substance like the kids schooling, I felt distraught, wanting to scream. And that was bumming me out.

Conventional wisdom would be I forgive Yang and get some closure. Well, forgiveness implies some kind of blame and that doesn’t seem right. Then again, in a book I loved Wally Lamb wrote “love grows from the rich loam of forgiveness”. But I’m not looking for love. I’m just looking to be comfortable in my own skin in my former home and around my former wife. I don’t the act of forgiving would do that. The act of forgiveness seems like a form of communion, or confessional. A ritual. Rituals are great when you need to move forward but not something that gets you on with living. In any case, I already tried that ritual. Seven years ago.

Then Yang, Aidan, and Elisa came back from vacation and I could return to my home and take a decent water pressured shower. The next day because of some issue with one of the kids, I needed to go back. And the next day. And everyday through Chinese New Year. Sabrina went with me during the holiday and we brought Kobe, our beagle. We would hang out from 4pm-9pm. Share a meal. Watch a movie or some episodic TV. The coach was still uncomfortable. There were still no fucking towels. The food wasn’t what I would choose for myself. But I wasn’t so annoyed anymore. It had normalized. Maybe it was because Yang is putting kids as top priority right now, maybe it is because Sabrina, Yang, and the kids get along. Why is often a hard and irrelevant question. The feeling of anguish passed, just passed. Acceptance? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Forgiveness? I’m not sure what that is. Maybe it’s this.