She wondered what good she would be to him unless she allowed him to break her.  She liked who she was and after so many years of struggle had finally found her center even if her center was destined to be off kilter. But she knew her cynicism and wicked mouth and fruit-tarian like diet and obsessive rocking out to music would drive him away. So she made the conscious decision to change. To change for him. Even if that meant taking a risk and losing the sense of herself. Again. And she had not forgotten how much work it took to get her sense of self back the last time.

She was attracted to him, this was true, but he was different from her in a way that repelled her. She could see their future of tension followed by passion followed by tension until the passion died down and only tension was left. She didn't want this future. But she didn't want a future without him either. She hated the fact that it had come to this. That to be "full" or "complete" or "made" or whatever life meaning marin county type of word wanted to use, she needed to do this. It made her question herself. To wonder if she even knew who she was, if she even knew what she had. She wondered if what she felt was how she really felt. If she was truly lonely or just liked the concept of loneliness, as strange as that might sound.

So she decided to break for him. She quit her therapist, telling her that it wasn't working anymore. She traded foot massages for running. She learned to like bar foot and sports on TV. She learned to agree and support his positions. She hired an ayi to pick up his socks and wash his dishes. She stopped going to karaoke. She stopped smoking but did develop a taste for Mojitos.  She asked him what he liked in bed and did what he responded too.

At first she felt great, she felt connected. It was worth it. Then time passed and the connected became a solid foundation for their lives, but not one that was all consuming any more. She was able to stand on this foundation and see herself again and then this is when the pain returned. She had lost her center. Her grip on who she was. She found herself angry for no reason. And then crying for no reason. And then manic happy and hyper. And then lonely.

She was broken and despite the foundation and connection she had no idea how to put herself together again.

Broken