The alarm goes off at 3:10am and we climb into the Lyft at 3:30am. We are taking Lyft to the Newark airport to begin our 27 hour door to door journey home. During our two weeks in the US, this return journey loomed in my head. Living in the moment is still out of reach. When we left for the US, it felt like a series of logistical tests we had to pass. Get our unofficial dual nationality toddler through customs, rent a car with my Chinese license, and so on. I used to make this trip four times a year for work and never really worried about it but as my first international trip in 2.5 years and with family in tow, I was anxious. The 12 hour flight was uneventful and our toddler was amazingly well behaved. The back of the plane seats - four of us in one row - were narrow and terrible. ...

It is New Year’s day and we are in the basement of Chaoyang hospital. It looks like it could be a morgue. I am relieved there are other alive people around us as I wait for them to call my name. They wouldn’t call a dead person’s name, would they? I guess I wouldn’t know, not yet anyway. I hear my Chinese name called from behind me. I turn and the attending technician has already started walking back to room four. When I enter the room, the MRI machine is exiting the patient before me. “Bu Dong, Bu Dong, Bu Dong”, the technician repeats as I lie flat and head gear is slid over my face. The machine slides me back into its belly and the MRI begins. ...

We start to open the gifts and Amanda (2.5) is entirely uninterested. Her focus is on one of her existing toys. I try to pull her over to unwrap a gift, she runs back to the small table to play. Sabrina gets Yang, Aidan, and Lydia on a video call from Toronto and we proceed. Christmas felt low key to me this year, I certainly had the time to prep but still waited until the last minute. Sabrina picked up the slack with the gift purchases. Nothing fancy, just small fun gifts. A Miniso Christmas. Maybe it’s a cultural thing or maybe it’s the specific people around me, but the gift giving really resonates. Yang and now Sabrina always made Christmas special for our kids which made it special for me. ...

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I’m walking around Ritan Park. I do this loop on most days while Amanda is napping at home. Some days I feel old and it’s an effort. Some days I feel blah and it’s a bore. Some days I feel spry and it’s a breeze. Today is a spry day. I am thankful. I am reminded of my Mom and when she got into hiking and how fast she walked. I’m walking fast on this day. A jogger zips by. ...

The text message lands in the parent’s wechat group - the students have arrived at the train station and are expected at school by 7pm. This starts the countdown to when I need to pick up Elisa but I don’t really need a countdown as I’ve been thinking about it all day. I’ve been thinking about it all day, well, because I have nothing else to do. That and the PTSD from last year’s culture trip pickup. ...

On a July day 20 years ago I didn’t have much going on being I had not started working in Beijing yet. Yang had auditioned Aidan for a TV commercial and he got the part so on that day in the outskirts of Beijing, Aidan went to work. The first of us to work in Beijing. (Aidan at a commercial shoot in 2005) Today, being either retired or unemployed I didn’t have much going on and Sabrina arranged for Amanda to film a commercial. Amanda is about the same age Aidan was then. ...

On a Thursday morning and with a surprising lack of planning, we loaded up the car and headed out for a 13 day road trip. I had done some research in the form of asking DeepSeek for an itinerary centering around Qinghai Lake. I then checked reddit and found comments about restrictions for foreigners and a local recommending we stay away. Spooked, the night before we were to take off, I suggested to Sabrina that we scale back the road trip and focus on an Inner Mongolia loop. “Why?”, she asked. ...

It’s 7:45am and I’ve just left my apartment to pick up Yang and Aidan to take them to the airport. I live in a business section of town and even though it’s a weekday the road is mostly deserted. I turn right to cross Chaoyangmen Wai Da Jie (Chao Yang Gate Outer Big Street). and I see a young police officer and traffic cones. He says something to me that I don’t understand. I make a u-turn gesture and he says “ok, no problem.” I drive east to the next street that crosses and it’s also blocked. As is the next street east. There is no way to get across Chaoyangmen Wai Da Jie. A slight panic, maybe I can’t get there and Yang will need to call a Didi. Then it hits me, the second ring side road to the west goes under Chaoyangmen Wai Da Jie. I head there and find an almost empty safe passage. ...

Does anyone really know me? Do I really know anyone? This late teenager existential thought is circling in my head at 59 and during my five day road trip with Aidan. Aidan kicked off this thought contagion a few weeks ago by asking me “what exactly do you do at work”. My answer, swinging between being overly specific and being overly reductive, was wholly unsatisfactory. Would I find a better answer on the road trip? ...