I’m sitting on the toilet scrolling twitter. A tweet that led to Amanda. Let’s back up first and tell the story of how Amanda came to be. Its 2013 and I’m on a date. First one since I found myself unexpectedly single at 47. The woman is charming. I am in a super honest phase and over a glass of wine I tell her that for me there will be no marriage, no kids. Her eyes flash like a sword. There would be no second date. This pattern repeats in differant ways and finally I learn maybe not to lead with the “no marriage, no kids” line on the first date. ...

I enter the Toronto airport as the superbowl overtime starts. I’m watching as I make my way to the checkin counter. Self checkin. Print boarding pass and luggage tags. Manual visa check. “Oh, you live in China. Interesting place”. “Interesting” has a different tone than it did 15 years ago. For both the speaker and me. I am a bit anxious. I tend to get anxious at airports. And the game is tense. 49ers score first in overtime. Now, if they can just hold down the Chiefs. And I’m probably anxious from not sleeping well during my trip to Toronto. And there’s the involuntary anxious reaction of leaving my elder kids in Toronto. They’ve been through a lot in the past six months and I’m worried. And I’m anxious about returning to China. Not because of China, but because of my life and work there. It doesn’t have a good vibe at the moment. ...

Somehow the kid’s cat escaped from China before me. When Yang, Aidan, and Lydia moved to Toronto last August they wanted to first get settled and then come back during winter break for their cat, Saisai. Who brings a cat, I thought. Well plans changed and due to a reason or two or three they did not come to Beijing for winter break. Instead, Elisa and I would visit and bring the cat. ...

There’s at least one nice thing about turning 58. It isn’t 60. 50s have been difficult physically and cognitively. But mostly physically. I think. The past year, I’ve felt old. Going slow up and down stairs. Gaining weight. Pain in my foot made it hard to do cardio. Took me a while to self-diagnose the pain as from plantar fasciitis. Maybe it’s having a newborn that made me more aware of being older. Maybe the setting in that when Amanda is Elisa’s age, I’ll be 73. Maybe it’s falling out of favor at work. Companies come for their own. ...

My alarm goes off at 7am but I’m already awake. Not awake from the excitement of Christmas morning but awake because I’m a morning person. That and I’m old and need to pee. Amanda and Sabrina are asleep next to me. Elisa is in the next room. In recent years we’ve opened presents about mid-day but on this Christmas Elisa has volleyball camp so we decide to open gifts before she needs to leave. Elisa wakes soon after me and we share American style donuts for breakfast which has become a bit of a tradition. Elisa has the glaze and I have the boston cream. I wake up Sabrina and Amanda and we are soon gathered in front of our mid size tree that sits atop a coffee table. It is the best looking tree we’ve had since moving to China thanks to Sabrina (I had a habit of somehow buying sad looking Christmas trees). ...

Amanda awakes from her sleep and looks around. Her gaze settles on me. She smiles. I pull her close. She gaggles. I kiss/pluck her hands which she baby laughs at. I tilt her back and forward. I make punching motions with her little arms. She’s about as happy as can be. But it doesn’t last, she’s still tired. Her face begins to crack and then a cry comes forth. I get up from the bed, holding her in my arms and walk around the room. She settles. But it doesn’t last. More crying. Sabrina normally comforts her, but Sabrina is out walking Kobe who’s on a smell fest. My worry about Amanda crying isn’t putting her to sleep - that will come - but that Sabrina’s father will feel compelled to help. And sure enough, moments later, he’s at the bedroom door, turning on the light and motioning for me to hand Amanda over. I motion him away. He leaves. I walk Amanda around some more. She’s calmer. Saving strength for the next cry which is loud and sustained. The father comes back to the room. I give up and hand Amanda over. I text Sabrina that I want to leave and in the moment I was ready too. But Amanda is still crying. I pace. Then Sabrina is back and all is calm. ...

It is maybe 1974 and the station wagon is packed with a tent, a cooler, and sleeping bags. We load up into the car. I’m not sure who sat where but I was either in the back seat or the back of the wagon with Pat. The car heads down Spruce, down that steep include. We are excited. Maybe a bit noisy. My dad explodes. Then controls it. Then explains it. We are quiet. For a long while. My next memory is of the campsite. I imagine us pouring out of the station wagon. I remember the ordeal of setting up the tent we would not sleep in it. I remember being sent off to find firewood. I remember the best part being with my brothers. I remember the car always seems to be on the verge of overheating or losing it’s breaks. How my dad would not want to use the brakes when going down the mountain for fear of losing them. How it scared me to death. ...

I’m driving in Concord. Elisa is in the back seat. She’s chatty. The trip was needed and now it was worth it. There is a lot to be grateful for in my first trip to North America since Covid. There was seeing Aidan’s and Lydia’s college and a bit of their life in Toronto. There was that damn good food court pita bread sandwich Aidan introduced me to. There was watching Dahmer with Lydia. There was Niagra falls. A Blue Jays game. There was the view from Yang’s high-rise apartment. ...

Early into Covid, April 2020, Yang and the kids went to Wangjing No. 1 restaurant for lunch. It’s been a family favorite for years. Including the before years. Spicy fish is the specialty. It’s out of the way in an old complex arranged like an old hutong courtyard. As the kids entered with Yang, they were told foreigners were not allowed. Yang argued of course but to no avail. This was during the height of the covid xenophobic phase here. Maybe xenophobic is too strong of a word. While Covid had started in Wuhan a few months earlier, it had pretty much been eradicated in China. The only new cases were from overseas travelers who, if tested positive, were quarantined. Of course most of the overseas travelers where Chinese nationals and most of the foreigners looked Chinese. It was the foreign looking foreigners who got special treatment, like my kids at this restaurant. Maybe I was too quick to dismiss xenophobic. ...

Amanda is a week old when our apartment door rings to let in the neighborhood community doctor. I let her in, holding Kobe back from jumping on her. She wears a mask and talks with Sabrina. She examines Amanda. Gives some advice which I’ve forgotten and after about 20 minutes is gone. When Amanda is a month old, she’s back this time wearing tennis shoes. A bit sporty. More examinations, more talk, and then she’s gone. That was the extent of the official neighborhood wellness checks as we opted to use the services of the same hospital Sabrina gave birth at. ...