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(the following post is from 2018. I haven’t written the actual story; yet) Prologue I am at a small farewell dinner for someone I don’t know very well. I am making small talk while we waiting for the final two guests to arrive. I compliment the guest of honor for some work related thing. He then asks me how often I workout since he recently saw me running on the streets near the office. I tell him, appreciating what I was expecting to be the reciprocal compliment. Instead a sucker punch. He smirks in a way that that a non funny man who thinks he is being clever smirks. He asks me if if I eat a lot of junk food. I say no, not really. Burgers? Occasionally. Lots of beer? Occasionally with burgers. He smirks again, pleased with himself for explaining why I am so fat. ...

I’m standing in the NIO showroom at Oriental Plaza, about a kilometer away from Tiananmen Square, starting at an ES8 when I flash back to 1980. The ES8 is a beautiful EV SUV. It’s huge. Great range. Luxurious. Third row. Lie flat seats. Massage seats. Sabrina loves it. I think if I get it, then she may watch her TV dramas in the car. But I’m resistant. Being somewhat unreasonable like I can be. It’s too big. If we get it, then she needs to make sure it can fit in our condo’s parking spot. I’m irritated at the thought of getting it but have a hard time saying no. I’m not sure why I’m getting emotional about it. The car I was thinking was the EC6 and it’s not that much smaller. ...

The elderly male doctor’s is friendly with good English. He asks me how I’m doing as he locks the exam room door. At my age, I guess I should be getting annual health checks but I haven’t gotten one in maybe five years. Five years in part because of my own procrastination and in part because the English speaking hospital I normally go to only does rudimentary checkups. That’s because checkups done locally are pretty through and covered by standard insurance. I had one in 2006 and again in 2018. As far as I know, I passed without anything significantly wrong in those checkups. The two prior checkups also had an elderly, slightly overly friendly, good English speaking doctor. I knew what I was in for even before they locked the door. ...

Elisa and I have been slowly watching the TV series Poker Face. An episode a week. We both like it because there’s a murder mystery that’s solved. During a recent viewing, Elisa mentioned that she’s never been to Tianjin. I was pretty sure she had but she didn’t remember so that’s the same as not having been. So, Sabrina arranged a trip for the four of us plus Kobe to go to Tianjin on Easter weekend. ...

I’m sitting on the toilet scrolling twitter. A tweet that led to Amanda. Let’s back up first and tell the story of how Amanda came to be. Its 2013 and I’m on a date. First one since I found myself unexpectedly single at 47. The woman is charming. I am in a super honest phase and over a glass of wine I tell her that for me there will be no marriage, no kids. Her eyes flash like a sword. There would be no second date. This pattern repeats in differant ways and finally I learn maybe not to lead with the “no marriage, no kids” line on the first date. ...

I enter the Toronto airport as the superbowl overtime starts. I’m watching as I make my way to the checkin counter. Self checkin. Print boarding pass and luggage tags. Manual visa check. “Oh, you live in China. Interesting place”. “Interesting” has a different tone than it did 15 years ago. For both the speaker and me. I am a bit anxious. I tend to get anxious at airports. And the game is tense. 49ers score first in overtime. Now, if they can just hold down the Chiefs. And I’m probably anxious from not sleeping well during my trip to Toronto. And there’s the involuntary anxious reaction of leaving my elder kids in Toronto. They’ve been through a lot in the past six months and I’m worried. And I’m anxious about returning to China. Not because of China, but because of my life and work there. It doesn’t have a good vibe at the moment. ...

Somehow the kid’s cat escaped from China before me. When Yang, Aidan, and Lydia moved to Toronto last August they wanted to first get settled and then come back during winter break for their cat, Saisai. Who brings a cat, I thought. Well plans changed and due to a reason or two or three they did not come to Beijing for winter break. Instead, Elisa and I would visit and bring the cat. ...

There’s at least one nice thing about turning 58. It isn’t 60. 50s have been difficult physically and cognitively. But mostly physically. I think. The past year, I’ve felt old. Going slow up and down stairs. Gaining weight. Pain in my foot made it hard to do cardio. Took me a while to self-diagnose the pain as from plantar fasciitis. Maybe it’s having a newborn that made me more aware of being older. Maybe the setting in that when Amanda is Elisa’s age, I’ll be 73. Maybe it’s falling out of favor at work. Companies come for their own. ...

My alarm goes off at 7am but I’m already awake. Not awake from the excitement of Christmas morning but awake because I’m a morning person. That and I’m old and need to pee. Amanda and Sabrina are asleep next to me. Elisa is in the next room. In recent years we’ve opened presents about mid-day but on this Christmas Elisa has volleyball camp so we decide to open gifts before she needs to leave. Elisa wakes soon after me and we share American style donuts for breakfast which has become a bit of a tradition. Elisa has the glaze and I have the boston cream. I wake up Sabrina and Amanda and we are soon gathered in front of our mid size tree that sits atop a coffee table. It is the best looking tree we’ve had since moving to China thanks to Sabrina (I had a habit of somehow buying sad looking Christmas trees). ...

Amanda awakes from her sleep and looks around. Her gaze settles on me. She smiles. I pull her close. She gaggles. I kiss/pluck her hands which she baby laughs at. I tilt her back and forward. I make punching motions with her little arms. She’s about as happy as can be. But it doesn’t last, she’s still tired. Her face begins to crack and then a cry comes forth. I get up from the bed, holding her in my arms and walk around the room. She settles. But it doesn’t last. More crying. Sabrina normally comforts her, but Sabrina is out walking Kobe who’s on a smell fest. My worry about Amanda crying isn’t putting her to sleep - that will come - but that Sabrina’s father will feel compelled to help. And sure enough, moments later, he’s at the bedroom door, turning on the light and motioning for me to hand Amanda over. I motion him away. He leaves. I walk Amanda around some more. She’s calmer. Saving strength for the next cry which is loud and sustained. The father comes back to the room. I give up and hand Amanda over. I text Sabrina that I want to leave and in the moment I was ready too. But Amanda is still crying. I pace. Then Sabrina is back and all is calm. ...