Doodles

The waitress is listening to the man’s son order a smoothie and macaroni and cheese. No low carb diet for 12 year olds apparently. When it is his turn to to order he can’t decide. Then a feeling of regret and longing and need washes over him. This may be more than the waitress can handle. He’s debating what to order and finally settles on the hummus. He has no idea where that feeling came from but it was there. He was walking away from something good and by something good I mean more than a Cobb salad. Middle age was here. He was alone. He didn’t need to be. He pushed someone away because it just didn’t feel right. ...

I am in Hong Kong waiting in line at a 7-11. It is my turn. I step to the counter. A man whispers in my ear “that won’t be enough”. I was in Hong Kong to renew my visa and go back to work. I had failed on my own. I did not know then that I would be further alone soon. For then, it was just work. I got back to my hotel and took the elevator up to the fifth floor. Elderly Chinese were getting off on the 3rd floor as the hotel apparently had some kind of community center built in. The greeted me in perfect, warm, English which was something I wasn’t used to. ...

It is 1989 and I am finishing up a work day before going home to watch game three of the world series. At the time I’ve been working as a profession for about nine months and then like now work was very important to me. But so were the Giants and they were in a 2-0 hole against the A’s. The building started to move, an unnatural sway that was from mother nature, and I recognized it as an earthquake. The swaying went on for a long time so I knew it was a big one, likely far away. I called my fiancee, Mimi, who was working across the street in another building. She answered the phone and then pulled the headset back under the desk with her. ...

I was one of the first to reach immigration and the asked me what the purpose of my trip was. I said vacation. Travelling alone? Yes, I said. Immigration has no concerns with this and waved me through after marking something on my immigration/customs form. Customs wanted to have a word with me. An older man, my age I guess, was the customs official and put on gloves as he started to go through my bags. He weaved in small talk with questions that could incriminate but as they are want to do, but I must admit he did seem genuinely nice. He asked me why I was visiting Guam and I said to get divorced and that it was the closest port from Beijing that I could do it. I left out the part that it was the only place I could do it relatively quickly without relocating back to the US for at least three months or going through the Chinese courts. When he heard my real vacation reason he said “sorry” with some actual empathy and that was that. ...

In a city far from home her day ends and she makes her way to the courtyard that separates the office building where she works from an identical one across the way. It is a glorious September afternoon, just after 5pm and she doesn’t have a care in the world. She strolls, happy, aimless, but focused. She sees a wide ledge that building is casting a shadow on. She pulls herself up onto the ledge and notices to here right side there is a three story drop into another courtyard. No worries, she is at peace. ...

I have a story of love to tell. A story of love ruined by ruined loves gone past. And the cycle repeats. “If I had only met you when I was 25” then I would not be the man I am now. The man someone could fall in love with but not the man that can love. I am afraid of love, shaken by it, destroyed by it. I seek comfort in solitude, my children, my routines. But then I need to feel a touch, and embrace, another heart beating with mine. ...

I am driving to the office when a rock classic comes on the radio. It feels good. It calms my nerves. I want to listen to more. I want it louder. I park and look for my headphones in my backpack. There are none. I think I will be ok since I don’t feel that bad at that moment. I get to the auditorium. It is big. Maybe can seat 1,000 people. Up to another 5,000 could be watching online. I do a final walk through with the presenter and I am nervous but as we walk through the talking points I start to calm down. I think I will be ok. I am thinking about it as a sports event and how I could block everything out and focus then. ...

I tap open the Baidu Music app, search for “Beat It” by Michael Jackson and stream it over my living room speakers. I move in front of the coach gently dancing and then into a full out dance when the lyrics start. My two daughters look up and laugh. I keep dancing. They join and soon we are all laughing and dancing and happy. I play YMCA next. And this is how I knew my descent from Everest had begun. ...

I wake up and grab my phone. In Beijing, it is said that checking weixin before sleep and after wake has replaced “good night” and “good morning” as well as a few other human interactions. In this case, however, I have no messages on my phone. In fact my phone is at the factory install screen and google is asking me if I want an account or already have one. Yes, this means I am screwed. Well, not too bad, since everything I care about, mostly photos and notes, are backed to the google cloud where only I and the US government have access to them. I re-set up my phone a little bit by little bit. It is a waste of time for it was meant to die. ...

My thumb is shaking a little and my fingers trembling. I am not nervous. I am at lunch trying to put a soup spoon to my mouth. I put the spoon down and switch to the solid food. Someone would later compliment on my use of a chopsticks. I need to relax; or is it something else. Or both. Middle age hits and it is hard to know what is normal and what is not normal. Physically I feel mostly the same. Mentally I have the same weaknesses I’ve always had but I am stronger for accepting them without malice. I can’t seem to concentrate for long period of time anymore be it a TV show or a book. I seem to move from one weixin or facebook post to the next. ...