Letters

Early into Covid, April 2020, Yang and the kids went to Wangjing No. 1 restaurant for lunch. It’s been a family favorite for years. Including the before years. Spicy fish is the specialty. It’s out of the way in an old complex arranged like an old hutong courtyard. As the kids entered with Yang, they were told foreigners were not allowed. Yang argued of course but to no avail. This was during the height of the covid xenophobic phase here. Maybe xenophobic is too strong of a word. While Covid had started in Wuhan a few months earlier, it had pretty much been eradicated in China. The only new cases were from overseas travelers who, if tested positive, were quarantined. Of course most of the overseas travelers where Chinese nationals and most of the foreigners looked Chinese. It was the foreign looking foreigners who got special treatment, like my kids at this restaurant. Maybe I was too quick to dismiss xenophobic. ...

To my son Aidan, upon his graduation from 9th grade. July 10, 2018. Follow your heart. Follow your heart, it will not lead your astray. Follow your heart, for you have a good one. Follow your heart, it will always be true to you. Follow your heart, it will lead you to meaning and purpose. To follow your heart, you need to know your heart. This is a difficult task as there are many false prophets. It may take years before you are able to listen, to really listen, to your heart and follow its path. For some of us, including your dad, it is an ongoing journey. We may not get there, but you will, if you take the time and listen. Listen to your heart. ...

I am playing basketball in the All Soul’s schoolyard. Metal nets, slightly elevated asphalt. I am shooting uphill because the rim is better and the downhill side often meant you were chasing the ball. Off to the side of the court I hear a deep recognizable voice say “Allio”. I know why he is there and I am filled with dread. A few days before some classmates and me were “exploring” in the church basement. We came to an unlocked room and looked inside. It had full candy bars and M&Ms. My entire life to that point I probably never had a full candy bar. I took one. The next day I went back and took another. I knew they were not free for the taking and someone told me they were meant to be sold at Bingo night. The was no ambivalence about whether it was wrong, I knew and I still took it. ...

There will be days, weeks, months, even years when you feel no one is on your side. You will feel that some people are going out of their way to be mean or to belittle you. You will feel like you have no place on this earth where you can just be you. When this happens to you have a clear mind and a soft heart. It might very well be the case that some people are out to get you or it might just be that their interest in you doesn’t match your interest in them. Indifference is a difficult thing to get over, trust me It might be that you didn’t do anything to deserve the feelings you are having or it might be that you did do a thing or two. ...

It is two days after Christmas which for you kids is mostly about getting gifts. But it is about a lot more than gifts. It is about ritual and I want to explain a bit about why rituals are important. The short answer is because they can pull you through when that’s all you have left. When I was a child the kids would all gather in my parent’s basement waiting to be allowed upstairs and open presents on Christmas morning. We’d be gathered on the stairs, looking up at the door, waiting for the knob to turn. If my dad had to work that day, he was a firefighter, then the door would open before 7am. If he was just getting off work that day, then just after 8am. Once the door was opened we would rush to the living room and stare memorized at the pile of gifts. With eight kids, there were a lot of gifts. All the gifts were wrapped and my father would sit at the base of the tree and call out the name on the package and that kid would come excitedly forward to collect his bounty. We’d start out a gift at a time but invariably it would turn out to be a free for all with wrapping paper and giddy kids everywhere. With my dad being the way he is there was also an element of stress. Too messy, too much stuff, too noisy. You may recognize the same elements in your dad. ...

Tomorrow is your Mom’s birthday. I won’t mention her age. No one would be believe me if I did. She still looks great. Hot, even. Being in love with someone is like being on a life raft with them. At first you are aware that you are on that boat because the love is so new and all-encompassing and the memory of the chasm just on the other side is fresh and sometimes scary. Then the boat - or is it the sea - stabilizes and you feel confident and empowered as you go through life. That you can go anywhere together. Do anything together. Be anything together. And if you are lucky time will pass and you will start to notice that the life raft is not very big after all. And that the little life raft is fragile; that all it takes is one person to poke a hole in it and let the air out at which point your only hope is that the base is made of wood. ...

Just before sunrise on October 13, 2012, your Grandmother died. I had just left with Uncle Donnie to fetch some Peets coffee and when we returned we saw your Aunt Korky in the TV room on her cell phone. Don knew that met my mom had passed. We woke up your Grandfather at around 2:30am because your Grandmother’s breathing had gotten more difficult and shallow. After struggling a bit with consciousness your Grandfather steadied himself for this. He said, “Anne Marie” with an urging that bordered on pleading. He then hugged her. He then went to take a pee. He spent the next hour standing and then sitting by her beside. She continued to labor with her breathing but was hanging in there. You grandfather eventually went to TV room, turned on the Today Show and fell asleep. Me, being jet lagged, was fully awake and sat in the chair next to him alternating between TV watching and playing with my phone. ...

Your Mom is the light. I knew that from the first moment I saw her walking past my office in her tennis shorts. Her short tennis shorts. She had no reason to date me really except for he soon to be ex boyfriend of whom I will be forever grateful. I had no reason to date her, except as I already mentioned, she is the the light. Before there were you kids there was just us. Living in a small house in Fremont, sleeping on a bed on the floor. In those days we still played tennis together among other things. There was never enough time together. ...

I am standing at my niece’s Tori’s baptism in Houston Texas. Somewhere nearby is Aidan and Yang. Aidan is maybe a year old so this is 2003. No Lydia yet. No Elisa. No Beijing Allios. My mom is standing next to me. She whispers into my ear that I could take Aidan up for a little dip; to be baptized. I politely decline, not reveling myself, caught in between being respectful to my mom and being respectful to myself. Her faith is strong and mine goes unstated. So, with my Mom’s remaining days dwindling, I thought I would use this letter to state my faith after all. And the message I want you kids to understand. ...